not ana bootcamp. fitness bootcamp.
im gonna start it tomorrow. cause i finally got myself in the best shape ive been in a long time and blew it over a matter of a few days. im gonna plan it one day at a time.
DAY ONE:
Breakfast: 2 hardboiled egg whites
Lunch: 1 cup Kashi GoLean Crunch! cereal
Dinner: idk
--no snacks
--exercise until sore.

i want this and im going to do it. i need to whip myself into shape no matter what it takes.

its scary. my mom just gave me a hug for no reason.
i just smoked upstairs and it was one of the worst choices ever...i swear i wasn't thinking... she's working from home at her computer by the window downstairs and i didn't even check if it was open. the wind was blowing the smoke right over to that window and i have no clue if she smelled it. then i didnt know where to put the cigarette and the head rush plus anxiety gave me an enormous headache. i sprayed myself down with potpourri spray and the bathroom, too, and left the window open. when I walked past her about an hour later she told me to come over so i did, keeping my distance. and then she said possibly the last thing i wanted to hear......."come here and give me a hug" i sucked in my breath and did it as fast as possible but she seemed content with it so i went upstairs.
this morning i woke up with bags under my eyes..maybe she saw them.
it reminded me of 2 years ago when i was starving to death and literally falling apart before her eyes. shed give me spontaneous hugs and hold onto me as if she was trying to hold me in one piece and keep me from slipping any farther away into ana. ..=/

I know it sounds stupid, but sometimes I feel like a monster. a big clumsy fat blob. the boogeyman under the bed.
I just want to be thin and elegant.

I cheated myself
Like I knew I would
I told ya, I was trouble
You know that I'm no good

I'd give absolutely anything to be in Italy right now. Sitting under an umbrella at a little outside café, with a vanilla cappucino in front of me and a cigarette in hand.
Instead, I'm sitting at a register in a deserted museum with rain pounding the high ceiling and dinosaur noises echoing around me. And no cappucino or cigarette. Oh my god, a cappucino would be so nice right now...

Have you seen the commercial for the Curves workout class that burns 600 cals? If I was old enough for a gym membership and had my lisence I'd totally do it.

I need a massage. I ate 2 squares of 85% dark chocolate this morning, so thats 100 cals. Alsooo had grapes and a few sips of a protein shake so let's say 200. Since I'm at work, I don't have to eat lunch but my mom will make me eat dinner. If I work out after dinner, I'll burn 300 or 400 cals and be at 0 for the day...gawd that'd be purrrrrfect.

Ohhhh fuck I hear a family coming in =(

Wellll text me if you're bored as well. 209.743.3389

OMG so this morning's weigh-in said I'm 139!!! IM IN THE 130'S! My GW1 is 130. GW2 is 125 and UGW is 120 or a tinybit less. YAY! I feel so close and hopeful! And to top it all off I got a few shades darker from tanning yesterday. If I can get skinny AND tan, this will be the best summer of my life. I'm not going to eat or drink anything until I leave for work so if I go to the bathroom again I can weigh myself again.
I just thought of something that might ruin my day... My scale in Wethersfield said I was like 147 yesterday. It's always 5 lbs ahead and the scale here is offbalance even when noones on it. So I don't know which to believe. Oh-fuckin-well I can still see the difference of my weight between weigh-ins so I'll still know if I'm losing.
Oh liquid fast today. Hopefully workout at some point. Can't tan cause I'm working until 4:30 but it's raining anyway..thankgod. Then tomorrow it's supposed to be cloudy but I'm going to try my best to tan and I'll be able to workout cause I'll be home alone all day. I'll fast again. And then on Thursday I'll workout in the morning cause I'm workin PM, and then pack cause Friday I'm leaving for Plymouth with my mom grandparents aunt uncle and cousins!!! I MUST fast until then cause I wanna wear my bathing suit. Not my bikini cause I'm nowhere near skinny enough to wear that in public yet.. But I will be. I will be soo perfect soon.

I'm going to liquid fast today. there was one more cookie in the stash under my bed so I took a bite, spit it out, and threw the cookie out.
I'm waiting for my grandma to leave for her physical therapy session so I can go downstairs and drink Crystal Light in peace. Then I'll have a cigarette and around 10 I'll go outside to tan for 3 hours, equipped with a sleeping pill to make it go by faster.
I'll post an update later!
peacelovethinnn<3:]

Why is it that no one can simply fast until they die without bingeing? I need to completely disconnect myself from food. Yes, I'm actually starting a fast. I just wrote out a pact to myself on paper. Cause I'm sick of my obese body and I want to be emaciated. I want to finish it all off and just leave this world. Not like anyone cares, anyway. Everyone thinks I'm fat anyway.
Rules of Pact:
do not eat unless specifically ordered to be consumed by family
drink a lot of water, smoke often
tan thoroughly
exercise, sleeping pills
DONT think positiveif you want to eat
and convince self not to eat if i ever want to.

i need to be skinny.

sitting in the back room taking my lunch break. coworker is sitting across from me eating something realy good while I sit here typing on my phone and chewing my acryllic nail, distracting myself from my growling stomach..
ugh back to work :/ i can't wait until i can go home and work out

im kindof hopeful today. i woke up seeing fat EVERYWHERE, all over my hips and stomach, but i didnt FEEL fat. i really need to get in a good workout soon though.

i haven't smoked in two days. and I won't be able to smoke today. i can't escape my mom....
but tomorrow I can slather myself in baby oil, take a sleeping pill, have a smoke and pass out on my deck to tan nicely. then in the afternoon I can do 2 workout videos and I can't tell you how amazing I'd feel going to bed at night. there have been so many parties lately that all my new hot guy friends have invited me to but i'm so unsure about going because they think I have a perfect body when in reality, I'm FAT and I don't trust myself to get drunk with them and keep my clothes on. dumb, I know, but it's completely true.
I'm working all day today. I screwed up my morning with 500 cals worth of cookies for breakfast but if I fast the rest of the day and workout really thoroughly later, I can end the day right and actually wake up skinnier :))
there's a semi-hot guy at my work today. he has a killer bod and a cute face...like perfectly smooth tan face, pretty eyes, but slightly large nose. not perfect but definitely cute. i might go talk to him outside during my "lunch" break.
I'll definitely post again at some point since I'm stuck here until 4:30...,,,PLT!xoxo<3

okay so today was pretty good. its my second day of my new ana wave. i always seem to get strong into it and then someone pulls me back to reality, but this is just a new beginning.
anyway, i had about 900 calories today before dinner if you count the orange juice and apple and giant 5-cup fruit-and-ice smoothie I just made. i also had nuts and lowfat popcorn--all healthy stuff. it makes me feel shitty to see how everyone eats so little and weighs so much less than me but i have to take baby steps. when i was ana two years ago, it started with Weight Watchers and went downhill from there...i was 5'6 and went from 155 to 105 in a matter of about 3 months. now i'm 5'8 and probably around 135, but i can't find my scale. im laying in bed because the smoothie made me so full that i can barely move :(
i tanned for two hours this afternoon and now I have a headache too. ughhhh i feel like im gonna barf. i cant get myself to fall asleep, either. oh well I'll try again.
after dinner (which is hopefully very light) ill workout to one of my Firm videos, have a nice hot shower, and call it a day. perfect days are ones where i eat little, tan a lot, exercise until im sore, and end the day with a longg shower. i have to make sure i dont drink my Máte Chocoláte tea too late or else i wont sleep.
good luck ladies! hope you're doing well.
peacelovethinnnnnnnn:]<3

i ate 1200 cals today. and i decided not to work out. less than a milisecond later, i put on my sneakers and went to workout. lmfao.
im notdone yet though so when im done, im going to drink Mate Chocolate tea (it has caffeine) and chillout with my plan for tomorrow. tomorrow I'm going to tan until 3 or 4 and try to squeeze in 2 Firm videos. and only eat fruit ALL day, JUST fruit. i hope it'll be amazing! I need some new thinspo.
and I just realized how fucking FAT i am.........idk how I gained like 30 pounds over the past three days?! i better lose it all. I want to see my ribs..every rib. I can't see any of them. akfgskdah
I may right more later
peace laaaahve thinnn <3

ahdhakshska
im sitting at a register in a little museum and ill be here all. fucking. day.
its 9:35 right now and I'll be here until 4:30....
so far I had 300 cals worth of cherrios and milk and I'm going to try to not eat anything else until dinnerr cause my moms going to make me eat. but then I'm going to work out a lott cause I hvent exercised in TWO DAYS ( it feels like a lot when I usualy never miss a day)
I'm sitting in this chair in stupid ugly jeans that are baggy on my legs and tight on my waist. I can feel my fat like bulging over the top. I feel so unproportional.
i got a good sunburn yesterdayy and hopefully it'll be mostly turned into tan by tomorrow. i'll be inside all day today but tomorrow ill be home early from finals and I can buildup my tan again
I wanna be the TANNEST I've ever been this summer and in october I might die my hair darkkk
I'm bored of this post so I'll write more sooner or later haha
PLEACELOVETHIN!

this is my third time typing this post with this stupid app, so if it's choppy, it's because im frustrated:

im working on a Photobucket album for all of my thinspo--yes, all of it--and if you want you can check what ive added so far once in awhile. i have TONS of thinspo so after i add the pictures from my phone, ill post on ABC to let you know to look before i add the rest of my thinspo from my computer and my moms laptop.
my PB user is AngeLeXxic, just like my AIM sn, so IM me sometime :]
just tell me youre from abc if you do, cause sometimes i freak out if i don't know who I'm IMing lol
stay strong and think thin, ladies!
remember, nothing tastes as good as thin feels. ever.

my 3 new favorite thinspo!

Posted via LiveJournal.app.